permanent vacation

I feel very sad and mixed up at the moment. The last few months have happened at such a whirlwind pace and I don't feel like I've enjoyed any of it or had a chance to get my head around it. I work at a model agency and I'm permanently exhausted and anxious; I don't feel shiny or special, I feel overlooked, average, non-spectacular. I want to go away and hide somewhere on my own and work out who I am and what I want to do. I yearn for what I've always wanted which is to just accept myself and feel comfortable being me. I've started drinking too much but not in a good way, in a drinking to be someone else, someone I think will be fabulous and to escape kind of way. I am moving to London, which is what I thought I always wanted but I think I will feel even more isolated. I am moving out of neccesity not out of choice so I feel a bit robbed of the experience. I have been saving for the last two years for this moment and now I wish I'd just blown all my money on good times and sun soaked holidays. It's never too late but it feels like it is. I guess I'm just like everyone, afraid of the unknown. Sorry for the buzz kill. If I had written this yesterday morning it would have been an entirely different blog. But it is Sunday night and another week of pretending to be someone else and pretending I care about models and their careers whilst I can't even figure my own out looms. I want long blonde hair and a sunny disposition to match.